I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
