So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
