"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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