You're completely useless in the revolution.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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