I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
