My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
