I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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