apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
