what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
