just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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