I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize