where does the pee come out of this thing
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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