i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
