So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
