I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
