all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
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It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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