ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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