I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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