You smell like stripper and shame
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
