Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
