im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
