So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
