Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
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Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize