Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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