I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
