I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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