don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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