sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
