I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
