Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
