we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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