If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?