I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"