Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
