I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i came on her dog
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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