you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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