those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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