After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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