he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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