True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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