life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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