I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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