the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
