Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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