you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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