I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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