so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
