I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
