Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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