I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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