i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
