you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
