don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
