How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
