Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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