Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
