i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
