I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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